Si froid que le Lapin va rester dans son trou

EXCLUSIVE Lapin can now reveal the Tory plan for winning the election. Things may be tough – we've had to be cruel to be kind lately, but our long-term plan is working and the road ahead leads to a better future in which hard-working families will get the benefits of the sacrifices we've all made to pull Britain out of the mess Labour left. Don’t let Miliband ruin it.

Miliband's an odd-looking fish who's not competent to run a whelk stall. Funny fellow. Looks a bit foreign doesn't he? Some one as naive and inexperienced as him is certain to flood the country with immigrants who're filling our hospital beds, draining our social security funds and taking all the social housing to run brothels and kebab houses. You can't trust him like you can trust us.

That's the formula that's worked in Canada, Australia and New Zealand to re-elect bookish Prime Ministers. Their experience indicates that electors are now so fed up of parties and politicians they'll accept any lies, dirty tricks and nastinesses on the basis that things may not be good but the other lot will be worse. That, plus more abuse of Miliband may be enough to let the Tories sneak home.

Never underestimate the stupidity and masochism of the British people.